I Thought Myself to Be a Gay Woman - The Music Icon Made Me Realize the Truth

Back in 2011, several years ahead of the renowned David Bowie exhibition launched at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in London, I publicly announced a homosexual woman. Until that moment, I had only been with men, one of whom I had married. After a couple of years, I found myself in my early 40s, a newly single caregiver to four kids, living in the America.

Throughout this phase, I had begun to doubt both my personal gender and sexual orientation, looking to find understanding.

I entered the world in England during the dawn of the seventies era - prior to digital connectivity. When we were young, my peers and I were without social platforms or YouTube to turn to when we had curiosities about intimacy; instead, we looked to celebrity musicians, and in that decade, artists were experimenting with gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer donned boys' clothes, The Culture Club frontman embraced women's fashion, and bands such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured members who were publicly out.

I desired his lean physique and precise cut, his defined jawline and flat chest. I sought to become the Berlin-era Bowie

During the nineties, I passed my days operating a motorcycle and wearing androgynous clothing, but I went back to femininity when I chose to get married. My husband moved our family to the America in 2007, but when the union collapsed I felt an undeniable attraction back towards the male identity I had once given up.

Since nobody challenged norms as dramatically as David Bowie, I decided to spend a free afternoon during a seasonal visit visiting Britain at the V&A, with the expectation that maybe he could help me figure it out.

I didn't know precisely what I was searching for when I walked into the exhibition - perhaps I hoped that by immersing myself in the opulence of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, in turn, discover a hint about my true nature.

I soon found myself positioned before a modest display where the music video for "Boys Keep Swinging" was recurring endlessly. Bowie was performing confidently in the foreground, looking polished in a charcoal outfit, while off to one side three supporting vocalists dressed in drag gathered around a microphone.

Differing from the entertainers I had witnessed firsthand, these characters failed to move around the stage with the self-assurance of born divas; rather they looked bored and annoyed. Relegated to the background, they chewed gum and rolled their eyes at the boredom of it all.

"Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, seemingly unaware to their reduced excitement. I felt a brief sensation of connection for the supporting artists, with their thick cosmetics, awkward hairpieces and restrictive outfits.

They appeared to feel as uncomfortable as I did in feminine attire - frustrated and eager, as if they were yearning for it all to conclude. Precisely when I realized I was identifying with three individuals presenting as female, one of them tore off her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Surprise. (Of course, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I was absolutely sure that I aimed to remove everything and emulate the artist. I desired his narrow hips and his defined hairstyle, his strong features and his flat chest; I wanted to embody the lean-figured, Bowie's German period. And yet I couldn't, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Coming out as queer was one thing, but personal transformation was a significantly scarier possibility.

I needed additional years before I was ready. During that period, I tried my hardest to embrace manhood: I stopped wearing makeup and threw away all my feminine garments, shortened my locks and commenced using men's clothes.

I changed my seating posture, modified my gait, and adopted new identifiers, but I paused at hormonal treatment - the possibility of rejection and remorse had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

After the David Bowie show finished its world tour with a presentation in the American metropolis, after half a decade, I went back. I had experienced a turning point. I was unable to continue acting to be something I was not.

Positioned before the familiar clip in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the challenge wasn't about my clothing, it was my biological self. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been wearing drag since birth. I aimed to transition into the individual in the stylish outfit, dancing in the spotlight, and now I realized that I could.

I booked myself in to see a physician not long after. It took further time before my personal journey finished, but none of the things I anticipated came true.

I maintain many of my traditional womanly traits, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a homosexual male, but I accept this. I sought the ability to play with gender following Bowie's example - and now that I'm comfortable in my body, I am able to.