Navigating the Desire for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
